Recent Musings:

My theory on self.

Monday, November 28, 2005

I've been told more than once, by people close to me, that I'm being selfish in my behaviors or in my choices. These people may have a point and I listen with an open ear and an open mind, taking time to reflect on myself and what they said.
But, of course, I usually don't agree (smirk).

My reason is that my primary goal in life is to take care of myself. I need to, have to, be selfish in order to meet my needs. No one else is going to do it for me, nor does anyone else want that responsibility. Therefore, if meeting my needs happens to involve stepping on another person's toes, well, so be it.

However, the reaction of being told that I'm selfish has now caused me to analyze the people who have said this, the people who think they have the right to tell me that I'm selfish for taking care of myself; I begin to ponder why these people call me selfish.

And what I think is this: even if I am being selfish and even if it is completely and entirely true that I'm being selfish, it's still not my issue or their place to call me so. I think it's their issue. I think they are not being selfish enough in their own lives and it angers them and irritates them when I work towards my personal wants and goals.

I guess a clearer way of saying this is that these critics of mine are tired of playing the martyr and instead of defending and protecting their space and their time and their sanity against those who are abusing them, they have the gall to tell me I'm being selfish.

Of course when I say martyr I don't mean that these people are dying for the causes of others; I don't even think these people are suffering torture for the causes of others. What I do mean when I say martyr is that they believe if they sacrifice enough of themselves for everyone else, somehow their needs will get met. So far, it hasn't worked.

The irony and beauty of this is you may have two people on the opposite sides of the issue; you may have me, for example, being horribly selfish, but then you have them as well, who have been horribly unselfish and haven't managed to be responsible for meeting their own needs. In a way, both are to blame, but I can't fix the martyr - I can only fix me. I can look deep inside myself and see if I am being overly selfish, or look to see if it's the person who can't say no to others - who takes on too many projects and who feels pressured to be everyone's savior or entertainer or mother or provider - that has the problem.

I was offended the last time I was called selfish because the person who said it is the last person in the world that I thought would accuse anyone of anything, least of all me. That made me think. But then I realized where this person was coming from and I saw that this person had never provided for himself in the ways that he needed it; because of that, it appears to him that I'm the one with the problem. Indeed, I think this person needs to stop being the martyr; he needs to stop being the one to sacrifice all of himself, all of his time, all of his sanity for everyone that asks.

I have evaluated myself upon this last insult and a funny thing happened - I realized I wasn't being selfish enough. I realized there were needs that I had that were not getting met because I believed my knight in shining armor would meet them for me.

If people thought I was being selfish before, just wait till I get going.