Recent Musings:
Relief.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
I've been commenting lately that my brain has stopped functioning, but I realized last night, after single-handedly drinking one bottle of Pinot Noir, that I believe my brain is being sabatoged by itself. Ha!
It all started a few weeks ago when I discovered my thoughts were being read by the man at the head of the church, the church which I've left in order to allow myself to be. Since then, it seems as if I've been punishing myself for ever having and wanting to express those free thoughts, that free will and that free voice with which to speak. It's as if my body was saying to my brain, "Stop it! Stop it will you! Stop thinking things and posting things that people don't agree with, thoughts that people don't think are Christian thoughts. Just stop it! You're overexposing yourself. Stop it!"
And so my body kept sabatoging my brain by craving things that killed my thoughts, like alcohol and t.v. and sleep deprivation, things that put my mind on a continuous pause to prevent any new material from creeping up and trying to get out.
But guess what?! I caught it, all that brain sabatoge, and I made the subterfuge stop. And I told my brain that I didn't like it not thinking, that not thinking doesn't suit a brain well at all.
Yet even in the midst of my brain's rebellion, I discovered and began reading an amazing book that happens to agree with, support and explain everything I've ever thought. (Take that brain!) It's a book in which women, Christian women, are allowed to think and express who they are within the kingdom of Christ. It's a book in which empowerment of your self as a friend of Christ is exactly what Christ suggests we do. It's a book that says, "Rhonda, keep at it. You are on the right path."
And on a bigger scale, the good Lord led me to a church where people believe in who I am and in who Christ made me to be. No longer am I the ugly duckling that doesn't fit in, the ugly duckling that's told to try harder to be like the group and change your thoughts to think like the group, but rather I'm the woman who has found that her thinking must not be as wrong and horrible and un-Christian as she first thought. In fact, now I'm a woman who feels even free-er to think than before, because now I am a woman to whom Christ has shown that she is not alone.
Alas, I do need time to reestablish my thoughts. In fact, even thinking coherent thoughts is a challenge, as all my brain's synapses seem to be a bit rusty. But I'm feeling very encouraged by Christ. I'm feeling very much that he encourages me to be me. I'm feeling very much that he doesn't want my thoughts to stop anymore than I do. And because of that belief, I will go on, albeit rusty and sputtering.