Recent Musings:
I don't know.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
I think I've again succombed to the thinking of looking at life as right or wrong. It's tiring. I try to do things right, I even think I'm on the right path, and so I expect the outcome to be, well, expected. If I follow this and this and this set of rules, this particular result should be the outcome.
Yeah, it's not working, and I'm getting confused.
See, I lived a long time in this mentality and it made me nearly crazy; the fine lines between what was the right choice and what was the wrong choice became blurred and I literally went nuts trying to figure out what was the solution.
And it's not just any solution; it's the solution that keeps me happy while keeping me within the love and good graces of someone else. It's the solution that's built on my insecurities that says, "Ya' know, if I do everything the person asks and expects of me, then they'll love me and want to be with me, right?"
No, not right. That's not how it works. People don't care if you're doing everything right. They just want to meet their needs as much as you do.
This is turning bitter; I apologize. I have a hard time with this. I'm frustrated and confused and hurting. And I don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't understand what to do to keep me and my other happy. I don't know how to do what's right for me while respecting the other's wishes.
I just, I don't know. I guess mostly I feel that I must be doing something wrong, as opposed to when I was doing something right.