Recent Musings:
A HUGE frustration!
Saturday, February 4, 2006
I am tired of feeling like I have to prove my Christianity to my family. I have to prove nothing to them; I have to prove everything to myself. When I based my life and my decisions on what they thought was best and right and most Christian for me, I was a very disturbed and confused girl who would have preferred death more than the life I was "supposed" to be living.
I am tired of being asked if and when and where I went to church; I am tired of being asked if I have prayerfully considered my decisions; I am really f***ing tired of being asked if I have read the Bible. Do you know why I'm tired of this? Because if these people knew anything about me, had any clue about who I am as a person, they would know these questions don't need to be considered because they're part of my nature, they're part of who I am and how I live my life and how I breathe and function as a CHRISTIAN woman. Do I flaunt this and mention it in every conversation to make sure I pass the Christian litmus test? No, no I don't. There's no need to pass their tests, unless I want their acceptance and approval, that is.
You know, this is my life and I take it very seriously, which is exactly why I've started to push back so hard against their "Christian" standards. I have taken responsibility for my own thoughts, my own doubts, my own feelings and my own decisions. I have admitted who I am in my flawed humanity to Christ and to myself. I have not relied on a pastor, a husband, a father, or a denomination to determine my Christian status, although that's what I was taught to do. I have, instead, prayed and wept and struggled and studied to understand and know my Christian beliefs and yet I'm the one who needs to prove her Christianity to the "Christians." It's absolutely INSANE!!!!!!!!
Let me list a few things I've dealt with: I was told that I may fall away from the faith for my poor decisions and that my children's spiritual lives are in jeopardy; I have been told that I am lesser of a child than my siblings because they attend church twice on Sunday and I don't always go twice; I've been told that I need to answer for the fact that there is a woman pastor in the church I attend. Let me just say, I think these thoughts are purely mind control and are not biblical concepts. People are trying to use the fear that controls them to control me, and somehow, if I don't succomb to their fear-thinking, than I am the Christian in question.
Ya' know, the rest of this post, originally, was mostly an angry and vicious rambling that I needed to edit out completely. There was lots of swearing and name-calling and general hatred. However, I had a breakdown yesterday and released a lot of that anger and hatred, which allowed me to delete everything else I had written. It changes nothing about what I've said, I've just come to accept more of what's the reality that I face.
Mostly, I'm tired of the mentality I'm up against and the pressure that's put on me to "perform" at their perfect Christian level. I'm not going to play this game with them; I have for a long time, but I've grown frustrated beyond my capacity. Time to give it up to the Higher Power.