Recent Musings:

Who's in control here?

Wednesday, February 8, 2006

It's odd to me that during the financial times of the month when my budget is most strapped and I have to tigthen my proverbial beltstrap are the times when I have the biggest and most insatiable desire to shop, eat out and spend money I don't have.

I think this is odd because it proves me to be a bit of a control person, that if I could have the power to shop and buy whatever I wanted instead of just what I needed, if I could eat at the restaurant of my choosing instead of choosing the restaurant based on my funds and if I could buy material possessions just for the fun of buying, then suddenly my world seems so much more in control to me. Suddenly I get to determine what I want instead of my money, or lack of money, deciding for me. I think it's when I'm most poor that I feel the need to prove to myself that I am still in control of my life.

Anyway, it's odd. I wonder if other people feel this way. I wonder if this is why so many of the Americans that live paycheck to paycheck, myself included, have as much credit card debt as they do. I wonder if maybe this is why credit cards are so popular. I mean, maybe it's not about having and owning and possessing, but rather it's about the need to feel that we have control over our lives - I don't know.

I do know this month I have been able to curb that spending desire a bit, even though I've really had to fight the urge. Instead, I'm existing in this gray area of un-control; I don't really like it, but I'm proud of myself nonetheless.