Recent Musings:

When, how, do I get my life back?

Thursday, February 9, 2006

I am feeling viciously crabby and I think it's because everything feels out of control, not just my money - it's my time and my weekends and my work responsibilities. It's the overly thorough professor who's pushing test dates around because he talks so much he can't keep to his schedule; it's the friend who gave me her February 25th wedding music a.s.a.p. but it's difficult and now I'm stressed; it's the endless amount of gift-giving for family and friends who are getting married, having babies, moving into new places; it's the Bible verse online site that tells me I just need to change my attitude to have joy in my heart. It just all seems like so much that I have no say in and the say I would have seems jilted, bitter, whiny and unfriendly.

Okay - now I know I do have a say and I do have control, but it just doesn't feel like it and I'm fed up! If I'm gonna spend money, I want to spend it on things I would like, not obligatory gifts. If I'm gonna request weekends off at work, I want to do it for things I would enjoy doing, not obligatory commitments. Bleh!

So what is in my control? This is what I have to sit and ponder when I get angry about these things. What and how can I change my situation? How can I decide on gifts and commitments and responsibilities while maintaining my peace of mind and enjoyment?

Let's see - I know with the music I still have two weeks left before the wedding. I can control that; I'll just have to practice every day. I know that with the test date I can study ahead of time instead of waiting till the week of the test. With invites and gifts I can say no to some or spend less.

Mostly, I want to remember that I am allowed to have control of my life and when I start feeling this way it's a red-flag to myself that something is imbalanced. I do get to control how and where I spend my time, my money and my efforts. I can say no to things that I think will over-extend me and I don't need to feel bad about that no.

I was so excited to see a church billboard this week quoting a proverb that says, "Above all, guard your heart!" Finally - I thought, a church encouraging people to take care of themselves!

And maybe things feel out of control because I've allowed things to get out of control; I have over-extended myself and didn't say no when I needed to. Anyway, life's a learning experience and I'm still learning.