Recent Musings:

The voice of my past.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

"ISOLATION IS OUR STRENGTH."

This quote was said by a man of my heritage and my religious denomination, a man who spoke to and for our masses, reminding us of how we and our children would remain holy in the world. I interpret the quote as saying that others will just dilute us and make us weak. We do not need to tolerate or accept others; in fact, we'll be stronger when we do not.

The quote itself seemed so harsh to me that I wanted to dismiss the mentality and the people who held this view as the 'other,' the people who are NOT me. However, I realized that this quote of my heritage and my religion actually lives inside me and plagues me everyday.

In fact, thus far in my life, I have considered my strength to be in my isolation. As an independent woman, I spent a lot of my 20s alone because I was most confident and felt most sure of myself then. I saw being alone as the strongest form of me.

This strength I found in isolation, however, led not only to a false sense of reality, but to loneliness and depression. I was strong when isolated, yes, but I also had no one to love, to talk with or to share myself with.

As my need for love and connectedness increased, I needed to abandon the isolation and move toward people. But the risk of being around people reduced my strength - I became aware of my flaws and how they affected others; I realized how intolerant I actually was and could be; I noticed that others were capable of overcoming difficulties that I would have given up on long ago. I could no longer live behind the identity that only existed when I was alone; I had to face the identity of whom I really was when I interacted with other humans. This reality was hard to face - I was imperfect, flawed and lesser than I had thought.

I understand why my forefathers embraced isolation; without ever having to compare themselves to others, without ever having to accept others, they achieved a perceived perfection for their ideal world and society. It may have been a false sense of reality, but it kept them united.

When the Old Testament talks about the sin of the forefathers, I believe this mentality is a sin of my forefathers passed on to me. This mentality of isolation as strength haunts me and many times I will run from others when I realize how much of my weakness is shining through. I will always be sensitive to this, such as when I walk the mall and envy the mothers and daughters and sisters who hang out together and enjoy each other's presence, but I also realize that my battle to fight is a large and long-standing one. It is not a battle I will win in one fell swoop. My people's strength is still in their isolation and by isolating themselves from me they have remained strong.

Again, as usual, my hope is in Christ. He rubbed shoulders and loved all genres of humanity and did not isolate himself from anything that may have diluted or lessened his holiness. In fact, had he isolated himself to remain strong, not one of us would have been allowed to know and experience him.

Perhaps my history speaks for itself; in its isolation my people have maintained the same ideals and the same lifestyles for four and five generations. However, I do question the depth of their humanity; if all that's been required of them is to love others exactly like themselves, have they truly loved or even loved like Christ?