Recent Musings:
Praise to the Lord, the Almighty.
Un.
Friday, February 17, 2006
Do you ever feel un-__________ (fill in the blank)? I feel un many times, with my un-ness ranging from un-feminine to un-Christian, un-sexy to un-funny, un-productive to un-important.
I think this is odd, reason being that somewhere in my mind I've determined what all these things - femininity, Christianity, sexiness, funniness, productiveness and importantness - feel like. I've set a standard in my head about how sexy and Christian and funny should feel, and when I don't feel that way, then I'm un.
I think the standard and expected feeling of these things determines what actions one should be following as well. For instance, if I was funny or important, then I would be doing this and this or that. I'd have a list of activities I'd adhere to which determine and prove my funniness or importantness.
Last week I felt un-Christian. I couldn't say what I thought Christian should feel like, but in my mind, I felt the opposite of Christian. I realized that the lifestyle I had grown up in, the "Christian" lifestyle and its standards, was not the lifestyle I had adopted in my own adulthood. That left me feeling un-Christian.
However, as I pondered, analyzed and prayed about where I am in my life, I am indeed Christian. What makes me feel like I'm not is this standard I've set up in my mind which determines the Christian standard. It's kinda like the Victoria's Secret catalog; if people look at it to define what sexy is, then anything outside the catalog isn't sexy. See, I don't buy into that mentality, not with Victoria's Secret and not with Christianity.
Therefore, I made a mental note and reset my mental standards, retraining myself in a way, to admit and acknowledge that I am indeed Christian, even though I don't follow the "Christian" standards I was taught growing up. To keep performing up to standards, mine or others, makes Christianity seem more like a competition than a lifestyle. Like with Victoria's Secret, if I can boast that every article of undergarments I wear were purchased there, that doesn't make me any sexier, just a lot poorer.
Ultimately, Christ, God and myself all know I'm Christian; if more activities are what is needed to prove that to myself and others, I estimate that it will only last so long before fatigue sets in. Besides, it still seems more like a competition and less like a genuine gesture. However, if my heart and soul and life do lie in Christ, then the un-ness I'm feeling is a result of something other than a belief in Christianity, it's something else that's manipulating me into thinking that what I am, as myself, is not enough, that I need to do more and be more and prove more to be the opposite of whichever un it is I'm feeling.