Recent Musings:
One tough discipline.
Wednesday, March 8, 2006
Upon a deep urging larger than myself, I gave up coffee for Lent. I had no intentions of giving up anything for Lent, as my Reformed background never expected a 40 day deprivation, but as I prayed and pondered and listened to the Spirit inside of me, deprivation was in order, and coffee it was.
How about I feel like I gave up part of my personality? I had no idea how much I enjoy, rely on and find comfort in a cup of coffee. I had no idea that most of my edge comes from my caffeine intake. I had no idea that it's really hard for me to think without coffee and it's even harder for me to sustain a thought for longer than 15 minutes.
And boy, am I emotional. Granted, it is that time of the month, but still. I feel have no tolerance to feel anything - sadness, anger, happiness, mercy, love - they all just impress me so heavily that I crumble under their weight. It's as if any emotion is just too much to take. Whew - it's been draining.
Perhaps this is why I was led to give up coffee for a while; perhaps God needs to reach me through my fatigue. I have to say, I don't really like it. I'm starting to doubt all the decisions I had already worked through; I'm reconsidering everything about myself. And yes, this may have nothing to do with coffee, but lack of that edge has certainly stirred things up.