Recent Musings:
Hey - there's an elephant in the room!
Friday, August 11, 2006
Let's see - what could I say to describe my situation? I'm engaged to a man I love dearly, I'm following my dream of going to grad school and yet I'm an emotional wreck. I think I've sobbed every day this week.
Of course, both decisions are attached with the emotional burden of going against the grain of my family and the community I was reared in, and it just so happened that both decisions are being acted upon in the same week, which may explain the fountain of tears!
Mostly, the burden I feel is one of almost an emotional & supportive excommunication; by making the choices I've made, I have displaced myself from their world. Ideally, I'd love to make decisions for myself and still be loved and accepted unconditionally. Unfortunately, that's not how my core world works. By making decisions they have not justified to be okay, I've cut myself off.
Alas, I was aware of this while in the process of making both decisions, which is probably why it took me so long to make both. And yet now that I'm here, I don't know why I'm suprised they're responding like they are. I guess I thought they would've gotten over it by now.
Need I say, in their defense, they are on the side of God. They have the Bible, the church, their doctrine and their small army of pious Christians to support their stance against my decisions. That I understand and am trying to respect.
And again, in their defense, no one has pointed a finger at me this week and hollered "unclean!" No one has said anything but the social niceties pronounced when a young woman gets engaged. Yet it's the elephant in the room that no one's pointing out; it's the tightness and tension of the conversations; it's the deflection by me of personal interrogations.
Anyway, I leave in 8 days and because of that I'll get a break from this social pressure I feel. Yes, it is an easy out for now, but I'm certainly willing to take it.