Recent Musings:

Wait - whose life is it, anyway?

Saturday, August 12, 2006

And then there are the people who NEVER stop telling you what you're doing wrong. They always find a way and make the time to repeatedly express their opinion to you, with their opinion being that you are wrong.

Of course, it's always masked in sincerity, concern and love. I say masked because I don't believe any of it; I don't believe anyone who forces their opinion on you that often really cares so much about YOU, they care more about their opinion and being right.

This would be one specific woman in my life. She's relentless. She told me today that she wants to meet with me alone before I move. I cowered in my chair. Nothing good, NOTHING, can come from this meeting, unless of course, I finally stand up for myself and tell her that she doesn't get to determine or undermine my life. (I've never said that to her or anything else that allows me to have an opinion separate from hers; she's always the authority, always, whether I'm 12 or 40.)

This commentary is heartless, but that's how I'm feeling right now. And she, and all these others I write about, are not monsters. They're not. But I'm so intolerant because these people can absolutely destroy me with their words.

I feel so worthless around her, so unloved, so unChristian and so un-adult. Because of her opinion, I feel that I must be going to grad school to runaway, when that has never been my intent (but I'm so glad it's a consequence!). Because of her opinion, I feel that must be lesser person because I'm marrying someone that isn't Christian, when being with my fiancee' has made me feel more alive, more human and more respected than I've ever felt with anyone. Because of her opinion, I feel that I must not be Christian, because if I was I'd be living my life exactly like hers, when in actuality the choices I've made have validated myself as a Christian with core beliefs.

And now, just suddenly while writing this, I feel as if a new breath has been breathed into me, a spirit has filled me with life, opportunity, fight and hope! Thoughts poured into my mind, saying, why am I laying down to die under her? Why am I not fighting for myself? Perhaps I am leaving, but if I had to stay here, would I want to cower from her and others for the next year of my life? If I don't believe in myself and my worth and my Christianity, why would she? It's fight or flight right now and I best be fightin' for the next 7 days that I'm here, otherwise she wins! Otherwise, she goes on believing she knows best for me. Otherwise, I have a spirit of shame attached to my life, my decisions, my worth which I have no reason to carry!

I, because of this spirit of fight, now feel so much more alive than I have in weeks! I feel the spirit of surviving, of claiming my own, of fighting and defending and being. It's exhilerating, actually; I feel like a new person (or a strong, forgotten person resurrected)!!