Recent Musings:
Man, it's early to be this crabby.
Friday, October 13, 2006
You know what I'd like? Some support. I'd like people that I know and love that supposedly know and love me to actually be behind me in my life endeavors.
I slept for 11 hours last night, crawling in bed before 9 p.m., and woke up feeling just as hurt and crabby as when I went to bed because all night I had dreams in which I was doubted and belittled and attacked by my so-called "supporters." In one dream I even hid deep in the shadows in a black, fully-robed ninja get-up. Is this making sense?
My friends are great supports, but they're busy with their lives and I understand that. My fiancee feels like my only true emotional support and that's got to be draining on him. Besides, it makes things feel lopsided for me - I only have 1 person in the world I can turn to!? (Notably, my fiancee is a HUGE emotional support in my life and I wonder sometimes if I'd be where I am without him and his fabulous belief in me.)
I'll say it: I want my family to care about me in the way I want them to care for me. I want supportive phonecalls, hugs, letters of encouragement, quick emails, approval of my decisions and I rarely get it. Instead I get Bible verses, the "I'm praying for you" mantra, complete avoidance and ignoring - as if really I died instead of moving away for grad school, the "we'll talk later about that decision, Rhonda" and other completely unsupportive sayings. I hate it and I hate them for never acknowleding to themselves that I could be okay as who I really am; instead I feel like I'm trying to be brought back to the fold or am already a lost cause.
This is dangerous, what I'm saying, and it would be even more dangerous and hurtful to my family if they read it. Yet all last night I dreamt of the many arguments I needed in order to be around my family - to support my educational choice, to support my church choice, to support my choice of a partner - huge life choices that are already hard enough for a person to question and decide upon. I don't want to be like that around them; I don't want to live my future years like that; I don't want to feel that I am obligated to justify my life decisions to them. And yet I do, hence the psycho post today and the psycho dreams last night.
I miss my family because I'm supposed to belong there; I miss my family because those are supposedly the people who get you through the hard parts of life; I miss my family because they make me laugh and remember me with headgear and shoulder-pads. I miss my family because I'm not being accepted by them and that hurts me more than I realize, every passing day.