Recent Musings:
Ouch.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
I think horrible things about people when I'm upset and I start believing completely outrageous dichotomous statements that the demons in my head start to feed me in my rage. Deep down I know I'm just hurting, but I can't ever hear the 'hurt' part of it; instead, I attack and belittle and shun the other person and believe that this is just another relationship where I'm going to be taken advantage of, endlessly.
Why do I say this? Well, since I'm in social work, ironically enough I can spot these things in other people's relationships but not in myself or my relationships. And as I learn in my classes, as I sit and read my chapters on human behavior and the impact of my actions on others, I feel utterly horrible that I'm so oblivious to the possible solutions available to me. I feel that I can't seem to manage my own life, my own emotions, my own relationships.
What do I really want to say here? I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be in a relationship. I don't know how to meet my own needs while being in a relationship; I don't know how to get my needs met by other people; I don't know when I'll learn this or if I ever will.
I'm hurting today and I'm sad that I have nowhere to turn in my hurt. I'm using my work to distract me from my feelings, but since I'm in social work for counseling, my work is only drawing more attention to my feelings! And the irony just continues...
because I'm getting married! Now what? What do I do about all this stuff I don't know how to do in relationships? Do I ignore it? Do I run? Do I act as if I'm not affected? What do I do? I just don't know... and I'm stressing about it.