Recent Musings:
The letter.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
On arriving home from our honeymoon six weeks ago, I received a letter from a person who had been invited to the wedding but had not showed. I had heard that the person was against my upcoming marriage but I let it go at that, since I had gotten plenty of resistance by this point.
In this letter in which my name was not even spelled correctly, I was told how this person had witnessed the slippery slope of my faith over the past couple of years. This person listed my presumed sins, gave me Bible verses as references for those sins, told me what kind of person I had become, belittled my parents for choosing to be a part of my wedding and then noted that I was being prayed for, in love.
I don't know what to do with this letter. It's been sitting on my end-table, staring at me with its venomous words and I just don't know what to do with it. I'm writing this blog right now, tonight, because I attempted to respond and I can't - nothing seems to capture or explain all the things I'd like to say.
Of course I'm hurt and I'm angry. I'm alo really pissed off and want to hurt right back. I want to be the bigger person and absorb all that anger and poison of that person. I want to tell the person that it's not necessary to wallow in all that accusation and hatred every day, that it's all been forgiven and forgotten and he can let it go. I want to tell this person that whomever attacked him shouldn't have done it either. I want to call him a son of a bitch just because, just because he thinks he can spew his hatred and accusations masked as "Christian love" in my direction. I want to tell him that he has no fucking right to play God with me. I want to tell him that since he hasn't had a conversation with me in at least two years, how does he really think he knows so much about me and my decisions?
Even with all those words, I am still at a loss. I just explained to my husband that usually I wait until I feel what I want to say, almost as if I'm given a divine urging of what's appropriate for the situation and then I say what I say. But because there are so many things I want to say and because I haven't felt that divine urging, how can I give this closure without saying all of the above?
Most importantly, and why I'm still stewing over this, is because I need to respond. No, I want to respond. I feel that if I don't respond I have not stood up for myself and my decisions and my beliefs. If I am not a presence in contrast to this man's presence, then his presence is what will impact the future generations to come and not mine. His hatred and anger and poisonous words will impact those he comes into contact with, not the grace and love and forgiveness that we've been offered by Christ and that I really hope to find within myself to share with him.
Sigh. Even this post is not what I want to say, but it's getting closer.