Recent Musings:
Burn-out.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
It's been a while since I've written and as usual I've had some good thoughts but no time (or mental capacity) to formulate them.
Don't we just love the prospect of an extra hour today?!
My feeling today is that I can't do it all and there's a definite sadness that goes along with that. As I spilled out my thoughts to my hubby, I explained that I can't do the grocery shopping, the cooking, the meal planning, the 15 page papers, the class readings, the outings with friends, the therapy notes, the exercise, the keeping up with old friends, the planning for holiday trips home, the spiritual endurance, and on and on and on I went. While this was not a 'complaint' to or about my husband, this was a reality of my humanity and how sometimes I loathe myself and my limitations. I would love to be a perfect wife (of my own defining, of course), an effective therapist, an excelling grad student, a compassionate and always available friend, healthy and fit, a spiritual role model and much more and yet I can't - it's just not possible in a healthy, maintainable way. However, I mourn this loss; I curse my limitations; I grow depressed at all the things I'm not 100% capable of.
I don't know if this is coming across as I'd like. Perhaps I've explained it this way before to you, perhaps not, but if a person has 100% of herself to give and starts to spread that around, (I'll be general for example's sake) - 60% to grad school, 15% to relationships, 10% to self, 10% to church and spirituality, 5% to housework - one could see realistically how easy it is to get behind, to not be able to put oneself into all the many aspects of one's life or to need to give more of oneself to certain tasks than other tasks.
Why the bemoaning? Because I'm burnt-out. I've given alot and I've tried hard to tackle all the wants, desires and expectations as best I can and I'm not making it - I'm not staying on top of everything and I'm bummed about it.
And I really just needed to admit that.