Recent Musings:
Empty.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
This is seemingly the only word I can pinpoint that seems to describe me lately - empty. It feels like a void, a nothingness and attempting to identify what's missing has been fruitless.
Granted, I JUST graduated from an intense MSW program and a lot of what I'm experiencing is most likely transition, exhaustion and a new experience of purposelessness (meaning, if I'm not a student and don't yet have a job, what is my purpose for this today?) or more likely, aimlessness. I go through the days with no direction, no goal AND no desire to have a goal or direction.
This sounds pessimistic - I FINALLY get time to relax, sleep in, watch endless hours of TV, cook - and those things have been quite enjoyable. Yet I find that none of these really satisfy me. I've tried journaling, praying, reading my Bible, seeing friends and again, unsatisfying. It's a miserable feeling, especially for a woman who longs for self-awareness. It's as if I'm in a constant state of craving with no identifying factors as for what it is I'm craving - spiritual, emotional, physical - although lately garlic and hummus seem to be an urgent find in the food category.
Some of you may know that when I considered getting my MSW I also considered getting a Master of Divinity along with it; I opted against it for the time commitment and yet I find that most of my inspiration comes from spiritual, Biblical material. I had been reading a library book by a favorite author and the reading was absolutely laborious; instead, my husband offered to purchase a book I had seen at Borders over Christmas that wasn't yet available in the library - "The Year of Living Biblically." Being found in the humor section, this book has sparked small flickers of inspiration within me as the author, non-religious, meanders through attempting to live the many rules and teachings of the Bible while also entertaining a spiritual quest. I'm almost jealous as I read it - to be in the curious naivety and birthing-pang beginnings of such an enlightenment period is so exhilarating, so mind-blowing that I briefly wondered about what my next pursuit could be. (I'm recently curious if I enjoy life more in the pursuit of things rather than actually arriving at the proposed goal.)
Regardless, I've read for oh, 6 hours, today and this book is refreshing my really empty soul and evoking some hearty outloud laughter. Although I have a sense of aimlessness, I also have sat down to write something here much more substantial than I've written in the last 6 months. I wonder what that may say about my journey and my emptiness.