Recent Musings:
Structure-less.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Three and a half weeks without a schedule and I'm a wreck. In fact, yesterday I was on the verge of losing my mind. Any actions at this point seem purposeless, aimless, especially in looking for jobs. I've applied for about 20 jobs I'd say (which doesn't seem like much when I say it) and it's as if all the effort doesn't even make a ripple. Yes, I'm discouraged and also a little lost. Do I always complain this much?
Honestly, recognizing that I've been without a schedule for close to a month is surprising. I graduated almost a month ago, which seems long and I thought I'd want months to recover from graduate school - yet I'm seriously lost. I'm trying to implement structure into my days and study for my licensing exam which is next weekend, but it just doesn't work - everything seems so pointless, so unimportant.
I'm turning to old ways of coping with things and surprisingly it's not getting me anywhere. That's not entirely true - journalling has been insightful.
I'm suddenly aware that I'm a stranger in a strange land; I realize that I don't have my places here to go hang out like I did back home, especially because I don't have the familiarity of school and all the familiar faces from school. I think my husband and I are both a little unsure of where our "stomping grounds" are here and I'm a little apprehensive to explore... what if I can't find somewhere I like to sit in this mall? What if this coffee shop won't let me read for 3 hours? What if I don't like the food at this greasy spoon? Unfamiliar - this city still feels so unfamiliar.
What's my point in all this? Hmm, alas, I don't think there is one. I think this ranting and listing of complaints portrays how lost and overwhelmed I'm feeling. My husband keeps pushing more and more to move back to where we've come from; I'm tempted purely out of defeat - perhaps it'd just be easier to give up and not forge new roads ahead. This bothers me because it seems unlike me, uncharacteristic of who I want to be, and yet this feeling of being lost and uncertain makes it very tempting indeed.