Recent Musings:
"In the night my heart instructs me."
Sunday, June 29, 2008
It's been an emotionally trying last couple of days for me. The week started with a revelation after witnessing and remembering several scenarios in which others demanded that I or their loved ones wouldn't do things which that person didn't like. I started to understand that people ask such things of others because it prevents them from having to tolerate dislikes in those they love; it prevents them from having to feel contrasting emotions toward the same person.
Within the last two days I've experienced self-loathing in an intense level and have been overwhelmed at how deep and destroying this self-loathing is. It's now extended beyond me and into my relationship with my husband - if he even breathes a passing word onto that exposed nerve I will fight and fight... and fight. I fight against him for something I feel I cannot control in myself; I talk to him as if he must be sensitive of the thing which allows me to hate myself.
For much time now I have sustained the belief that God reveals parts of Himself, and my self, within dreams. This morning that was confirmed not only by the dream but by the verse Psalm 16:7 read in church; I dreamt of young girls that I continued to keep rescuing who had put themselves in precarious, dangerous and life-threatening situations. I always saved them but remember feeling/thinking that this was hard work, and tiring, yet that didn't stop me from always being there. Ending the dream was the young girl who was called to get on the bus; I allowed her the excuses to go another time, to have the bus come back later, but no, the young girl was ready to go now. I had so much sadness - she's ready to go; I am not ready to have her leave.
Much of my fight, my hurt, I have been carrying with me since childhood. To me the dream said that my childhood was ready to be left behind, that I could stop fighting with my beloved and stop hating myself for things that happened so many years ago. I prayed and cried to God, asking who would hold me in that sadness, who would take care of that child? The answer is not yet given and yet I know I find comfort in many of God's subtle ways; perhaps this is a journey into the healing of a loving relationship, one in which I need not fight for the hurting, scared child. I won't know until I try.