Recent Musings:

My 4-headed demon.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Ever feel like if there was no mental filter in your head that prompted you to say the proper things and you said whatever first popped into your mind that people would be completely shocked and appalled by what you'd say? Suddenly you'd appear like this 4-headed demon, spewing angry, insulting comments, while your alter-ego, the smiling nodding one, stood closely by, mortified.

I don't know if this is a product of working in the social work/mental health field, training myself to choose my language more carefully or maybe it's who I've always been, but I've realized more and more that I very rarely say what I really think. Rarely do I put my true, unfiltered opinions out there for others to hear; rarely do I respond to others 100% genuinely or authentically. It seems more and more like I have one of those translating boxes in my head that spits out the politically-correct and socially-acceptable words for the unacceptable thoughts racing throught my head - "What is the matter with you? Are you nuts? Where'd you get that bright idea? Seriously??"

I realize the risk of putting this out there - I expect to lose some of the trust and comfort of those I interact with regularly. I do have a couple people, my husband namely, with whom I freely loose my tongue. Yet I bring this up is because it's starting to bother me - it seems as if I'm starting to slip into that double-life again, where I feel and think one thing but say and display another. I don't like it and I'd like to change it. Many times I think I've chosen this profession to hide myself - I keep the focus on the other person, push them to look at themselves and keep myself as invisible as I can. I give nothing to others because what I have to give is nothing; I loathe being invisible, yet I hide myself to avoid owning up to all my raw thoughts.

This thought isn't worked through all the way - it's a rough draft of sorts.

I do know from my personal experiences that I'm good at playing the facade - I'm good at ignoring the emotions and saying the correct words while giving the appearance of fitting in, saying that I'm fine, that I totally understand where you're coming from. In reality I can feel my soul screaming out - NO!! I DON'T AGREE! I THINK THAT'S CLOSE-MINDED AND RESTRICTING AND RIDICULOUS! Yet my mouth speaks words of - "Sure, sure, I understand; that makes sense to me." Because I know I've played that facade well, I fear the hurt and damage I could do to others - professionally, personally.

Ironically, it's not always a facade because my words can make sense. People can make sense. I DO understand why people do the things they do. And yet it seems I'm void of personality; I'm so busy trying to understand and make sense of others and reassure them of their choices that I never get to just BE myself... in fact I rarely get around to expressing myself. I continually take myself out of the conversation in order to make room for the other. It's depressing and lonely. And honestly? Sometimes there's no need to form a self - if I've got all the "language" down for appearing to be something or someone to others, then really, what's the point?

I haven't thought this all the way through, nor have I come to a point. But this splitting, this potential for a dual identity is there - it's lurking so close to the outer layer that sometimes it's dangerously near to being exposed. Maybe it needs to be seen...and heard. What would be the worst that could happen? Or perhaps....what good may come of it?

This is rough, raw and hopefully won't damage whatever reputation I've earned thus far. At least I got the thoughts out there...but there could be a lot of ripples.