Recent Musings:
Why I don't write.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
My husband asks me why I don't write anymore; I always tell him I have nothing to say. While this is still true, I feel I can explain that now.
I am, and my life is, mediocre. Tepid. M'eh. I'm not good at my job and am quite aware of that; I am not pursuing any hobbies, interests, passions or desires; I am not a pleasant, loving wife and I don't know how to be "in relationship" with my husband; I have few people that I can connect with meaningfully, honestly. Everything about me and my life is mediocre; there is very little that excites me, pushes me forward or even makes me want to stay alive to continue on.
I have been trying, honestly. I've been talking to friends, talking to colleagues, talking to therapists, talking to God, going to conferences, writing letters, getting feedback, journalling, praying, yoga-ing and many other things to keep myself going through this maze of mediocrity. At this point, I've run out of things to try; I'm hopeless and desperate.
I imagine I'll get phonecalls, emails regarding this from those who know me - "give it some time," "nothing's perfect," "everybody has rough times," etc. Well, I've given time to these things and time solves nothing - it just makes it so you've had the problem for a longer amount of time. To quote a frustrated mother I've worked with: "How long do I keep doing this?"