Recent Musings:
Boredom.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
With some distance between myself and my last post, with some insight of conversation and memories, I realize I have lived a lot of my life avoiding mediocrity and boredom. I have usually held several jobs at once to keep my interest going, I've stayed at jobs (or homes) for only a year or so and then I want a change of pace so I quit my current job AND I move, just to do something different. (Keeping that in mind, one could understand how I'm feeling restless and bored right now.)
Honestly, what I thinking I'm fighting, resisting, is the reality that life IS mediocre and boring the majority of the time. I went to a conference earlier this month where I learned spiritual and existential techniques to use with myself and my clients. One thing the leader spoke about was learning to tolerate our own emotions in order to tolerate the clients' emotions when they're experiencing them - primarily he talked of anxiety (which was very helpful), but boredom was also mentioned. I found this interesting and suddenly noticed this with one of my clients who I think avoids boredom wholeheartedly because it could lead to feeling lonely; (it doesn't necessarily, but the person won't ever find out because that fear of loneliness drives that constant busyness). When I turned this principle and mindset on myself, my emotions related to boredom were much more deep-seated and intense. I hate being bored, HATE it! I get angry when I'm bored; I feel like I'm wasting my life AND am a waste of a life, a "boring" person.
I think I grew up in a society of do-ers, busy-bodies, who did 'things' from the time they awoke in the morning to the time they fell asleep at night - every day, all the time, always doing. This is not a bad thing and I've enjoyed a lot of my busyness and have experienced a lot in life because of it. Sometimes, I know that I'll do anything just to prevent being bored - just to have something to do. Yet I am finding this becomes a problem in doing therapy - since my comfort level is doing, I'm always working for more, more, more instead of just being. This is a problem in my marriage, which necessitates a certain level of day-in-day-out monotony; I fight against it and panic about it - 'why am I bored about something, someone I love so much?? It can't be - I have to change this!!' This is a problem with holding a career, in which the tediousness of an office, colleagues and routines are necessary for getting the work accomplished.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm ADHD! Just kidding, but I do have a new awareness at the routine and monotony of adult life and my struggle with that. While I'm working on accepting this, I'm also looking for opportunities in which I can be spontaneous (is that an oxymoron?) or pursue side ventures within the monotony - starting new groups, organizing monthly events, treating myself to little things, 'just because.'
I'm torn about the message I'm sending here - it sounds as if I'm saying that being an adult equals boring and that's the reality of it. On the contrary, I love to have fun as an adult and will do whatever necessary to enjoy my life. Yet I get angry (and pouty?) when I'm bored and the reality is that I have to be bored in order to live a lot of my life - doing dishes and laundry, filling out forms, cleaning, watching TV. I guess I'd like to: 1) learn to enjoy these things I currently loathe; 2) be okay with being bored; 3) incorporate activities I really, truly enjoy to offset the things I don't enjoy; 4) let others off the hook for being boring and not doing all the time.
Regardless, while my eloquency in writing has certainly dwindled, I felt this message important to share with the readers because of the lesson I've learned from it. I'd like to push myself further into understanding this fear of boredom, identifying what my motivation against that boredom is - am I responding to, resisting, my emotion or the situation?